


Perseverance

by LuciFern



Series: Lady L [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Co-Parenting, Developing Friendship, Developing Relationship, Gen, Lyrium Withdrawal, Mentions of past abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-29 01:24:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17798450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuciFern/pseuds/LuciFern
Summary: It's the little differences that make all the difference to Lysandra, and it's the small choices that have the biggest impact. This, though? This is big.





	Perseverance

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, it's different than in game, somewhat. This takes place during a much longer story I'm working on, and is one of at least a few side stories that haven't fit into the main one. So, apologies for things that don't make immediate sense.

I cannot see the path.  
Perhaps there is only abyss.  
Trembling, I step forward,  
In darkness enveloped.  
\- Chant of Light, Trials 1:13

The reports were worrying, but not as much as finding her son in the company of Sera, sitting on a roof over the tavern. Lysandra was nearly swayed from her goal to go rescue Luca and perhaps set some stricter rules for the elf, but Sera had quick reflexes, and seemed to actually be teaching him, judging by the serious look on her face as she’d grabbed him from the edge and brought him closer to the windows behind them. Still, Lysandra would need to have a word with her later, perhaps find a place not quite so panic-inducing for any future lessons.

The frown continued to crease between her dark brows, her attention again on the subject of the latest reports from Leliana. Cullen needed to know, though he wouldn’t like it. He was taking too much on, and everyone could see it but him, it seemed. Varric, in between dodging Cassandra, had pulled her aside when she’d arrived three days past to talk to her about it, but she was hardly his keeper. They… simply shared a child.

Her frown deepened, and her feet hesitated taking the next stair, but she shook it off. She knew why people went to her. She heard the gossip every time she walked through the hall, every evening she spent relaxing as much as she could. She’d fielded the questions from Luca. She _knew_ why; that didn’t mean they were right to do so.

They’d come so far, since that first day almost half a year ago, but they weren’t what people insisted, what they expected them to be. Despite some of the more… romantic ideas, she was not in love with their Commander. Nor, she hoped, was he with her. Shaking those thoughts off, she made her way into the Commander’s office.

She only knew to duck because she’d looked up to open the door. Her heart stopped as the wood and glass shattered and fell around her feet, and she smelled the iron-rich tang of lyrium. From the stricken look on Cullen’s face, she surmised he hadn’t heard her approaching, and his strained apology confirmed it.

“Maker’s mercy, I didn’t hear you come in. I..” He trailed off as she straightened and fixed him with a stern look.

Lysandra carefully put the papers she still held on his desk, and walked to where he still stood, eyes wide and face pale. Her lips thinned and the crease between her brows returned as she stopped close enough to see he was shaking. She stopped just shy of touching distance, and gave him a critical once-over.

“How long ago did you stop taking it?”

Cullen stiffened his posture, the wary look they’d both worn for far too long masking everything but the strain around his eyes, but he didn’t answer.

She sighed, leaning against his desk. They had too much to do, and she needed him to be honest with her, for Luca’s sake. “If Luca isn’t safe with you, I-”

“No!” He winced at the unimpressed glare she gave him, and sagged against the bookcase, running his hand through his hair. “I have not let it affect my care of him.”

She gave a rather un-ladylike snort at the declaration, and challenged the scowl he sent in return. “It’s not a matter of _letting _, Cullen, and you well know that. You and I both know how withdrawal affects people. We’ve both seen how it can change a person.” She glanced away, unwelcome memories surfacing as they always did when talking about Kirkwall. “I have experienced first-hand how one’s care can turn to cruelty when the craving is too much. I will not let my son go through that.”__

__

__She let that sink in before meeting his eyes again. “So I will ask again. How long ago did you stop it?”_ _

__

__“When I left Kirkwall.”_ _

__

__She flinched, wondering how she could have missed it all along before having to acknowledge that she hadn’t taken the time to look. Her voice was small as she stood to lock the doors to his office, not willing to risk them being interrupted. “Why?”_ _

__

__She heard him shifting behind her, and when she returned to her spot by his desk, he looked pained but resolved._ _

__

__“When I first joined the Templars, it was because I wanted to help people. Within the first year of my taking my vows, blood mages destroyed the Circle I was stationed in. They spared none. The mages, even the children were killed or turned into abominations. A few mages and Templars managed to escape and barricade them in, but not all. Several Templars were caught, locked in a barrier and tortured.”_ _

__

__“You were among them.” Lysandra clenched her fists in her dress lest she do something stupid._ _

__

__He nodded, his own hand finding the pommel of his sword and squeezing until his knuckles were white. “I was not in a fit state when they found me. I had watched as my friends, my comrades were tormented, turned, and torn apart by the demons running free, and I had not been spared, either. They took the faces of those I cared most about, trying to break me. I fear they succeeded more than they realized._ _

__

__Even after being rescued, it did not stop. I no longer trusted those I had been trusted to guard, haunted by nightmares and the memories of what I had witnessed, and it was in that state that the Chantry sent me to Kirkwall.”_ _

__

__She had thought she could not have been more angry with the Chantry than she was in the aftermath of the Conclave, but she was near incandescent with rage, now. He must have mistake the cause of her upset, though, because he reached for her, checking himself before actually touching. A part of her wished he would have allowed the contact, but it was for the best; that wasn’t who they were._ _

__

__“I regret the man I was, the man I allowed the demons to make me. I allowed far too much to happen. If I had allowed _myself_ to remember, instead of blaming others, if I had remembered those mages who were unwilling, or those that had made it to safety, perhaps I could have stopped Meredith, or stood against her sooner. Instead, I watched as yet another Circle entrusted to my watch succumbed to madness, this time from the other side.”_ _

__

__Lysandra couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t think. She couldn’t… And then he shifted again, watching her, and she could. She could breathe again. In and out, in and out, slowly, until she could meet his eyes once again._ _

__

__“You understand why I couldn’t stay. When Cassandra told me of their plans, extended her offer, I _had_ to take it. I had to stop the lyrium. I would not let myself be bound to an order that ignored their own vows, that would allow such a thing to happen. So I left.”_ _

__

__She swallowed the lump in her throat, blinking back the threat of tears, and nodded. “You should have told me. When I gave you Luca, you should have told me.”_ _

__

__Cullen shook his head once. “I should have. I made a promise to you, and to the Inquisition, that I would give my all.” He turned to the small window across from her, and whispered harshly, “I should be taking it, instead of letting this weaken me.”_ _

__

__How different he sounded than Raleigh. She did reach for him, then, stepping into his space when he tried to flinch away, her hand on his arm as they stood side-by-side. “Do you want to go back on it?”_ _

__

__If there was an extra bite to her tone, he didn’t show it. “I should.”_ _

__

__“Cullen.” She waited until he looked at her again. “Do you _want_ to?”_ _

__

__He took a deep breath, still looking at her. “Maker help me, no.”_ _

__

__“Then don’t.” When he opened his mouth to retort, she shook her head. “No one, and I do mean _no one_ , has an issue with your leadership.” She offered a wry smile. “Not even I. Your dedication to the Inquisition is undeniable, and I… Cullen, I’ll support your decision, but you have to talk to me.”_ _

__

__He looked away again, nodding._ _

__

__“If it gets to be too much, tell me. In the meantime, I’ll see what I can find to ease the symptoms.”_ _

__

__“I have asked that Cassandra keep an eye on me, and should I be unfit for duty, to appoint a replacement.”_ _

__

__Lysandra shook her head. “That will be difficult, as she’s needed in the field. But Cullen, I mean it. You send me reports on our son while I’m gone. I want you to tell me of yourself, too. And be honest.” Sighing at the shallow nod, she stepped back. “There are reports you should see on your desk. When you are acquainted with them, find me to discuss our next move. I’d prefer to have it settled before I have to leave for the Approach tomorrow._ _

__

__“And Cullen? Eat something. I don’t need to look into it to know that will help.”_ _


End file.
